It has come to my attention that not everyone has been faithful to the paleo way of life. Many of you have ditched your paleo ways now that my 10 week program is over.
This is completely unacceptable!!!
Think of all the things I have done for you. I have put you at risk of bowel cancer, orthorexia nervosa and public humiliation, all while body-shaming your dumpy arse. And this is how you repay me.
I'm sick of trying to use carrots. So, today I'm using the stick.
I have a new way of keeping you compliant with the latest ancient fad diet wisdom.
Let me introduce you to the militant wing of The Paleo Way: The Paleo Police!
I have trained a full squad of hipster moms who are armed to the teeth with everything I need to keep you compliant.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm going to use this militia to force people onto the paleo diet (I think the army should be doing that), but if you even think about cooking a recipe that's NOT in one of MY Books, I'll literally SmaSH you in the FACE with ranDom capitalIZATiON and the full rAnge of Paleo Police weapOnry.
Also, to keep you adequately constantly informed of the consequences of non-compliance and absolutely petrified at the same time I've updated Australia's paleo threat levels.
The latest intelligence suggests a made-up disease is likely, so I have upgraded our nation's threat level to "Corn", however that could be further upgraded to "Wheat" if the gluten-free pancakes are rendered ineffective by the current population levels of brain-fog.
“War is peace. Freedom is slavery.
Pseudoscience is strength.”
You'll never eat another croissant again after you suffer my combination of fear and very real physical violence.
I am doing this for your benefit and so your kids won't die of the autisms before they are even conceived.
You know this makes sense. It is for your own protection!!! And remember to buy ALL my books.
DEFCON ONE! DEFCON ONE!!!!!!
Follow me on twitter: @peteevansnot