So I see that Nutrition Australia has re-released the nutrition pyramid.
Here is a picture of it in all its horror:
Disgusting isn't it.
As you know I've been campaigning against the nutrition pyramid for some time. Now, a few people have said, Pete, dude, bro, pal, its just a pyramid, mate, let it go.
But I'm not Anna of Arendelle so I won't. So many people have written on my Facebook page to tell me that they died of obesity because of the pyramid, that I feel I need to do something about it. The wisdom of crowds cannot be wrong, just ask all those people at Jonestown.
It is worth remembering that the pyramids were built about 5000 years ago, which means they are NOT paleo and therefore cause insta-cancer. AND you have to remember that aliens built the pyramids so all the purple lizard people like Rosemary Stanton could store THEIR yummy grass-fed meat and share none of it with the rest of US. FACT.
Well I'm not going to put up with that for any longer. So here are my options for the new pro-paleo food pyramid!
Now, triangles are very strong both visually and physically. They are also the most pointy of all the shapes, so do wear chain mesh butchers gloves when handling them. I am attracted to this shape but frankly triangles are just far too pyramidy and I can't risk this shape giving people the obesities.
Option Two - The Square
The square is a quadruped that has a perineum that is four times larger than any of its sides. It is also the shape of Mr Strong, one of my favourite Mr Men books, but I'm not very keen on this shape because being square is boring and I'm trying to make paleo hip for the kids, so ... no.
Option three - The Pentagon
A pentagon is a five sided shape whose angles add up to 540 degrees Fahrenheit, which is plenty hot enough for a roast brisket. Also, you can make a pentagram inside a pentagon by drawing a line joining every other vertex, which is pretty cool. But this cannot be the shape of our new paleo pyramid because it is reminiscent of the Pentagon building which is where Ronald McDonald lives.
Option four - The Hexagon
Water freezes in the shape of a hexagon which is cool, but given water is made up of chemicals its actually not cool at all. Hexagon also sounds a bit like hexagram which is the six pointed star Jewish people like, and you can't have a global conspiracy without working Jews into it somehow. The other really cool thing about hexagons is they contain the word hex, which means magic, which is really great, because the paleo diet relies purely on magic for its efficacy.
Also hexagons are the shape of Arnott's Shapes which are made by the big food industry:
So the winner is option five - The Icosagon
This is the best of the lot, the 20-sided icosagon. I was going to pin my hopes on a dodecahedron but frankly 3d shapes like pyramids freak me out. The icosagon is actually the shape of Shakespeare's theatre which shows awesome movies like That Sugar Film. It is also the shape of the wheel on The Price is Right, which makes it extra lucky (note that probability is a post-paleo concept).
So here it is, backed by all the latest pseudoscience books Nora tells me to read, the new Paleo Food Icosagon!
Just stick to this paleo way of eating according to this powerful new shape and your bowels won't know what hit them!
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