Thank you for inducting me as dietitian of the year and making me a life member of the DAA. I guess my invitation got lost in the mail?
Anyway, first some thank you’s. To my nutrition mermaid, thank you for teaching me that mermaids are real and that mermaids know even more about miracle cure-alls than unicorns do.
Secondly, to my scientific adviser, Nora Gedgaudas, thank you for never graduating from university and instead becoming infested with knowledge by passive diffusion. Your book was the most amazing thing I have ever read, which is quite an achievement considering the only other thing I have read is Dr Seuss books.
Thirdly, to Joseph Mercola, thanks for forging the path from myth to millionaire; you and your enormous mansion truly are an inspiration.
And, finally, to my high school chemistry teacher … just kidding, I never took any science classes at school.
Now, I know some of you are going to get a bit pissy in your panties about a non-dietitian becoming the dianetic expert of the year, but frankly if you couldn't figure out you can cure all known diseases just by cutting out grains and dairy, you don't deserve the award this year.
As you know I want to re-jig the food pyramid to something that doesn't include such dangerous stuff as peas, corn, potatoes, milk, oranges and lentils, and I want you all to get on board. Tony Abbott's health budget will be looking sweet once we stop all diseases just by banning these things.
I think you'll agree its been a big year for yours truly and I'm sure you all want to bask in my own sense of self-glory, so I'll permit you to reminisce:
In October I had a particularly good rant after a dietitian apparently called me a fuckwit on facebook. Highlights included me blaming dietitians, chemicals, the government, the pyramids and the purple lizard people for the obesity epidemic. I also released details of my cure for the rise of autism at the same time!
In November I went on Catalyst and told everyone about the healthy monounsaturated fats in coconut oil. Of course the ABC had to issue a retraction because the government doesn't want anyone to know this information. #conspiracy.
In December I attacked fluoride because its a chemikillz and I want to help sell water filters.
In March I tried to kill babies with my Vitamin A superfortified infant formula. Of course all the people funded by big business tried to shut me down, including Choice. You can read some of the best reviews here. While my publisher dropped the book faster than a non-organic chia muffin, I'm going to self-publish it next week.
As you know I'm a busy cave-man and while I am in Perth I'm privileged to announce the University of Western Australia's new Pete Evans / Bjorn Lomborg Institute for Pro-Paleo Research. This is an exciting development where we will find some of the most respected research and redact most of it so its more paleo.
On one final note I just want to call for the DAA to drop its corporate sponsors, except of course for Meat and Livestock Australia, Cobram Estate olive oil, Egg nutrition council and Australian Avocados. Oh and of course the Almond Board of Australia - activated only of course.
Anyway, I now propose a gluten-free toast of acai kombucha to our new president - Robert Atkins!
Follow me on twitter: @peteevansnot