MKR starts again this week and I couldn’t be more pumped. It’s going to be awesome, rad, totes ridic and activated amazenuts all at once.
But it’s also going to be a terribly big shock – especially for everyone in my facebook tribe.
You see, since the last MKR I’ve gone fully paleo. And I’ve been telling anyone who’ll listen to ban dairy and grains from their diet as a way to cure everything from autism to Zuska’s disease. Now, I’m definitely not saying I will kill any Australian who eats non-paleo foods – I think the army should be doing that - but if MKR contestants serve me up a delicious crème brûlée or even a crunchy dinner roll I will have to make a big decision; will I stick to my cave man principles or will I sell them out for my MKR pay cheque? It’s a paleo paradox I’ve been calling The Money or the Bun.
Now most people would gladly have their cake and get paid for it too, but they are blissfully ignorant of the massive pain and suffering caused by the non-paleo provisions you’ll never see in my pantry.
So, like I do with all big decisions, I’ve drawn up a list of pros and cons for some of the more modern dishes I might have to confront:
|Grilled fruit platter with pistachio yoghurt dressing||Juicy, fresh summer stonefuits are still in season. Nuts are permitted||Shingles. Especially if the fruit was washed in fluoridated water|
|Quesadilla de chorizo||Spicy and delicious. A great dish for sharing||The first people killed by the Spanish flu were eating dishes like this. Obviously deadly|
|Puy lentil salad||High in dietary fibre||Fitic acid? phietic acid? fydik acid?… Some sort of acid|
|Pasta primavera with parmigiano reggiano||High in protein and low in fat||Are you kidding? Grains AND dairy? Are you actually trying to kill me on the very first night?|
|Filet mignon with green peppercorns||Not many people realise beef is a great source of vitamin B21||Is this meat grass fed? Are you sure? Was the grass organic? Was it alkalised first? Are you trying to poison me? Yeah, can I get a food taster on this show or what?|
|Acai palm tarte with cinnamon ice cream||90% of pseudoscientists and 100% of acai growers agree that acai is 110% awesome||Adding a fancy ‘e’ to ‘tart’ won’t stop the wheat giving you bloating, miasma and unplanned pregnancy. Oh, and ice cream? I’d rather eat my own liver, with some fava beans and a nice chianti (but they’re not allowed either)|
|Ouzo braised lamb with broad bean risotto and grilled corn with herbed goat cheese butter||Grass-fed lamb is totes paleo but only if it was facing Glebe when slaughtered. Can be a great source of healthy saturated fats too||OMFG, there is nothing in this dish I can permit myself to eat. Alcohol? Are you serious? May contain chemicals|
|Maple syrup glazed turkey with pea and kale puree and baked polenta||Kale is great. I usually brush my teeth with it, which insta-cures my paleo-halitosis. At least for a while||Fever, headache, chills, weakness, seizures, enlarged and painful lymph glands, death. Avoid like the plague|
|Chicken soup||Great source of lead to heal your gut||Will only eat it if you call it bone broth|
|Triple chocolate cheesecake with espresso||Ummm. I’m really struggling here. I guess if it’s made with coconut oil it is a great source of flatulated fats?||Are you doing this on purpose? I bet you’re getting paid off by the big food industry. Bloody dangerous stuff|
|Organic kale, acai, beef liver, Himalayan mauve salt and activated almond milk smoothie||Perfect blend of actual superfoods. 110% paleo because it is exactly the same drink our prehistoric ancestors drank||Freaking expensive|
|Salad and cheese sandwich||Do not eat this||Instant cancer. No bloody way|
Of course any canny contestant already knows that they won’t win if they serve up anything that is paleo verboten, so I probably won’t have too much trouble finding something to eat.
But I am worried about the ethical pain of getting MKR pay cheques that are funded by the show’s non-paleo sponsors and advertisers. Some people have already raised this with me and I’d like to suggest a special MKR drinking game to get us all through this awkward hypocrisy:
Supermarket advertisement or product placement – 1 shot
Alcohol advertisement or product placement – 2 shots
Big food producer advertisement or product placement – 3 shots
Fast food advertisement or product placement – 4 shots
Pharmaceutical advertisement or product placement – 5 shots
Mensa advertisement or product placement – 10 shots
Green juice only, of course.