Babies. They are so cute. With their little toes and their big wide eyes and their massive fad dieting revenue potential.
Parenthood is not only exciting but it can be daunting at the same time. New mums and dads are suddenly faced with complex and difficult questions like:
- How am I going to survive with only three hours sleep a night?
- Am I breastfeeding properly?
- When will the post-natal depression symptoms subside? and
- Which of you little bastards drew red spots on this perfectly good chart:
Well, your state of confusion is the perfect time for some geniune paleo exploitation:
One of the biggest problems facing infants is failure to thrive, where babies don't put on enough weight, potentially leading to their deaths.
Well, what better to way gain weight than the proven method of the cycle of fad dieting?
Getting your kids onto the cycle of fad dieting early is important. That's why I have enlisted the help of an actress and an naturopathy student for our new book:
Totally Batshit Crazy Ideas on how to Heal Your Kids with Acai Pancakes.
While research does show that kids learn about healthy relationships with food from parents being role models naturally, they will develop genuine psychological disorders much more quickly by using a structured program with recipes listing foods to ban.
Now, I know putting your baby on a $99 program from birth sounds like a lot of money, but imagine the shame of being the only mum on the street without an eating disorder in your family?
So why not start building up anxieties about going to birthday parties, staying over at grandma's house and the world-wide government conspiracy to kill the entire world's population by getting us to eat gluten right now?
When you pay for my program you will learn:
Why almond milk is better for babies than dairy milk
How paleolithic man learned to treat intestinal lymphangiectasia with a high fat diet
How to make your own baby formula with raw milk and alkalised organic acai
How to roll out a successful refeeding program for adolescents with anorexia nervosa
How to shame other parents into giving up sandwiches
How to increase monounsaturated fat and polyunsaturated fat intake using my very own brand of coconut oil, and
How a ketogenic diet will help your child to grow faster.
You may not have realised this but babies don't have the cognitive ability, nor the physical strength to stop you from getting them on a fad diet right now, making them the ideal target market for my paleo business model. Already some people have contacted me and said "Petey baby, are you sure about this? What do you actually know about paediatric dietetics?".
And I have reassurred them that I absolutely do know what I'm talking about as I actually have two real children, which makes me an expert on all matters of paediatric medicine.
This works in the same way that because I have a GPS unit in my car, I'm an expert in satellite delivery systems and because I have a cerebral cortex I'm an expert in home craniotomy.
But more than any kind of physiological effect, think carefully about how paleo and other fad diets can have a beneficial effect on your child's phychology and relationship with food. And indeed with life. Because we all know that things always neatly fit into neat little good and bad categories, just like personal relationships, politics, religion and dietary science.
And why go to a paediatrician or a paediatric dietitian when you can just buy my book!
So why not turn your little baby into a paleo cash cow for the fad diet book industry today and reap the benefits of orthorexia nervosa - even before they reach puberty!
Follow me on twitter @peteevansnot