I bet you hate Christmas as much as I do.
Right now the rage is building inside you as you think about your non-paleo relatives coming over and berating you with their "scientific research", their "expert analysis" and their "satire" about your "orthorexia nervosa" lifestyle.
But instead of turning into a Paleo Grinch this Christmas think of it as a massive opportunity! Why not give them the best feast they have ever set eyes on - and then surprise them by telling them that you've just put them all on a fad diet without their consent?!
Just follow my six easy steps to the best paleo Christmas ever:
1. Paleo egg nog
Just blend together 10 raw beef marrows, 500g duck lard, 500g grass-fed butter, five raw crocodile eggs and 12 raw chicken heads for a gastro greeting they won't forget for at least the next 24 hours! Garnish with a healthy slab of bacon.
Cures: Autism, dysphagia, industrial disease, acne, amylophagia.
2. Paleo crackers
To make these great crackers you'll just need ground flax seeds, himalayan pink salt, organic quinoa, sawdust, truffula seeds, hessian sacks, ceratops eggs, pine needles and alkalised acai in equal amounts. Bake them in your own sense of self-misery for two hours and garnish with your own tears. So much easier than buying a packet of wholemeal Saladas!
Cures: Autism, AIDS, coeliac disease, paper cuts, heart disease, happiness
3. Meat wrapped around vegetables cooked in animal fat
This is a great way of sneaking in a bit more meat into your kids' diets without them even knowing it! Just grab a vegetable, wrap some bacon around it and fry it in ghee or tallow. Note: this can be cooked in coconut oil if you're trying to lose some kilotonnes, which will also give you all the added monosaturated fats your thighs are crying out for. Or why not cook in totally 110 per cent paleo crude oil like our ancient ancestors did!
Cures: Autism, hashimoto's disease, maple syrup urine disease, clinical lycanthropy.
4. Fruit platter of wild bananas
Why not surprise your guests with a real paleo fruit platter comprised entirely of real wild bananas - the exact fruit eaten by paleolithic people? You'll find the taste similar to those you get at your local greengrocer - if you can get past the mouthful of large and foul-tasting seeds. Which you will because you don't want food guilt on this special day, right?
Cures: Autism, polydactylism, Parry Romberg syndrome, nocturnal enuresis.
5. Granny Mavis
We all know paleo people loved chowing down on fellow homo erectus, so why not get properly authentic and feast on your own grandmother. Lets face it, she's high in protein, would make a great bone broth before osteoporosis really takes hold and she's annoying as hell. Oh - and thanks to recent budget cuts to pensions she simply can't afford to buy you a decent Christmas present anymore anyway. The best way to cook a granny is by putting her in a fire-pit for 30 minutes each side. Best results are achieved by cooking her live. And make sure you respect your grandmother by eating her nose-to-tail. Note - don't bother eating Grandad Cecil - he's got far too many chewy bits.
Serve with roasted vegetables. BUT don't serve any peas - those things are freaking dangerous!
Cures: Autism, auto immolation, pica, cancer, male pattern baldness.
6. Paleo Ice-Cream
If any of your guests have guessed they might already be on a fad diet by now their fears will subside when you bring this out. It is so good every time I eat this even I'm surprised it is actually 110% paleo. Here's what you need:
1 litre beef tallow
1 litre ghee
1 litre lard
1 litre dripping
1 litre suet
1 litre duck fat
1 kilogram blubber
1 kilogram flubber
1 kilogram cellulite
2 litres Castrol GTX
1 lemon zest (to garnish)
Mix them all in an ox-skull for 15 minutes on the 'frappe' setting and freeze it under a glacier overnight. Serve with lemon zest. No chocolate topping, naughty!
Cures: Autism, obesity, phronemophobia, cotard's syndrome, dental plaque, mass hysteria.
Once you have finished feeding your tribe this delicious and undoubtedly disease-curing Chrissy spread be sure to tell them they have all been subscribed to my $99 Paleo Pay ponzi scheme and are now entirely immortal!
Oh, and don't serve any alcohol at all because it will give you cooties.
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