Eating paleo is easy.
That's why I'm introducing a $99 ten-week fad diet program to help you adopt to this freakyweird nutritional lifestyle.
For just less than the price of seeing an actual dietitian every week for ten weeks you will learn how to sear meat, fry meat, bake meat and even beat your meat according to the latest paleo principles.
pete evans 10 week program paleo diet
Welcome to my latest dietary brain-fart:
When you sign up to The Paleo Pay® I will deduct actual money from your bank account in exchange for 110% guaranteed organic pseudocience direct from the marketing geniuses that tell me that my debts will be wiped forever thanks to this potentially lucrative program.
This program is guaranteed to cure you of diseases you didn't even know you had yet!
Just in case you are in any doubt, I have to tell you several high profile rodents have already benefited from early trials of this program, with many of them surviving the ordeal and are now living relatively pain-free.
The Paleo Pay® features:
- A weekly payment plan
- A website featuring quack doctors from America, the latest testimonials from paleo advocates and several big words
- A physical trainer that has trained some of the most important celebrities in the world
- Recipes that show you how to quickly develop cool new chronic diseases like osteoporosis, bowel cancer, hypertension, orthorexia nervosa, depression and concrete cancer
- New ways of getting very strange looks at dinner parties and barbeques
- An instant cure for autism
- Free steak knives
- A guarantee to lose 289 kilograms in just ten weeks, no matter what weight you are now!
- A very real and legally binding contract with 159 words of amazingly small fine-print - absolutely for free.
Note - no actual food is provided for your generous $99 donation.
In addition to all this you will learn the science of paleo with the following units accredited by the International Academy of Paleo Ponzi Schemes:
Paleo biostatistics 101 - What can we learn about multiple regression analysis from ancient cave paintings.
Paleo biochemistry 101 - Farts. What are they and is methane paleo or not?
Paleo physiology 101 - Play "Operation" and learn whether the hip bone is really connected to the leg bone. Also what the hell does the spleen do? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller???
Paleo public health 101 - Why the food pyramid should actually be a food dodecahedron.
Paleo food science 101 - Learn what all the numbers mean on an ingredients list and why letters are much less numbery.
Learn how to activate your nuts and make other lame double entendres with The Paleo Pay® today!
*Disclaimer - reports that the Paleo Pay® program causes irreversable anger management symptoms in humans are completely false and are currently being strongly contested in court and I will literally punch you in the throat if you repeat them again. Suggestions that I said "Yeah boy - I totally monetised the cray-cray" in a recent radio interview are totally false.
Follow me on twitter @peteevansnot