It is football finals season and many of your friends are probably on the latest craze - the paleo diet.
So what can do you do to make sure your paleolithic pals fit right in during your Grand Final BBQ? This quick guide will give you everything you need to know, whether you prefer AFL, rugby league or just kicking a rock around the cave.
Firstly you will need to get rid of all alcohol. This is for the benefit of your more modern mates as well as your paleo pals. You probably know that booze is banned for anyone already on the paleo diet but no-one wants to cop a lecture about the perils of plonk mid-GF from the piss-hating paleo patriarchy so its best to leave it out completely.
No doubt people will turn up to your house with BYO beers but I suggest you do what I usually do - put them in the back fridge and then lock the fridge and eat the key. Not only will that ensure that absolutely no alcohol gets consumed but keys provide approximately 88% of your daily iron needs and ∞% of your daily nickel needs.
How awesome is that?!
Instead of alcohol serve kale smoothies fortified with paca, duck fat, bicycle grease and fresh nettles and, of course, only mix it with grass-fed almond mylk.
I should also mention here that some people might bring children so it is important to confiscate any dairy milk they might bring and pour it down the toilet, just to be safe.
The second most important issue is food. You should make it clear to your guests early on that gluten is right out and so are processed goods.
Instead you should serve hearty chunks of fresh buffalo with a side of wombat fried in organic giraffe tallow.
For snacks I usually gaffa-tape a bunch of coconuts together.
Also paleo people are sensitive about light and will appreciate the effort if you supply amber goggles to combat the light spectrum thingy that wrecks circadian rhythms or whatever. Especially if you're watching the footy in HD. Also don't try to be funny and ask them to look through full beer bottles. Not paleo and NOT funny.
Now comes the fun bit - the half time entertainment. Paleo people have a lot of pent-up frustration and we really like to fight, so why not build a bear-pit in your back garden and host your own bare-knuckles club-fight to the death?
Some of the recent Grand Finals so bad it probably better to lose in the bear-pit, so you won't have to see your team get smashed by 40 points!
Finally a suggestion for decorations. Instead of the boring old footy colours why not make your paleo friends welcome with lots of mirrors.
Because there is nothing like a decent self-reflection session to really stimulate the orthorexia nervosa!
And there you have it - the definitive guide to hosting your very own paleo Grand Final footy party.
PS - CARN THE MIGHTY DENISOVANS!!!!
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